


The Stars Are Fading (So Am I)

by lucernis



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Nonbinary Deceit | Janus Sanders, Other, Post-Episode: Putting Others First - Selfishness v. Selflessness Redux | Sanders Sides, genuinely open bc in my heart it fluctuates, manipulation mention, rated teen because it’s too sad to be general, self-deprication, so basically interpret this however you want, sometimes they get to make up!! and then sometimes they never talk to each other :(
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:48:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24396022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucernis/pseuds/lucernis
Summary: Love like theirs always seems perfect, like it will neverstopbeing perfect. But when a series of piercing remarks shatters everything they’d been, that perfection is suddenly so far out of reach it might as well have been laid out among the fading stars of night.
Relationships: Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Deceit Sanders
Comments: 15
Kudos: 38





	The Stars Are Fading (So Am I)

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by the song [intoxicated](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMvd0YQIldg) by mika
> 
> warnings: open ending, lots of self deprecation, crying, mentions of (regretted) manipulation, an ungodly amount of angst

Roman had almost been able to have everything he’d ever wanted.

But then, of course, he’d had to go and mess everything up.

Why hadn’t he been able to keep his mouth shut for _once_ in his life, why hadn’t he been able to keep pretending that everything was fine for just a few moments longer? If only he’d been more understanding, less stubborn, _better,_ if only he’d been able to control his anger, to _listen,_ to—

Roman shook his head. There was no use in dwelling on the past, on what he could have— _should_ have—done. It wasn’t as though he would be able to do anything now, anyway. It wasn’t like Deceit—no, _Janus,_ he reminded himself with a pang of regret—would forgive him. He’d hurt them, and he’d done it _intentionally._ That wasn’t worthy of forgiveness. And now— 

His breath hitched.

Now he was left without the one person he’d ever been able to be himself around, the one person who had loved him not _despite_ his multitude of flaws, but _with_ them, the one person who had seen his every failure, his every short-coming, his every impurity—the one person who had taken one look at the mess that he was and loved him just the same. 

Without that—without _Janus_ —Roman was so completely alone that it physically _ached._ He wanted nothing more than to go back in time and take it back, take _everything_ back because he loved Janus, would always love Janus, and god _dammit_ he would do anything in the world to win back their love.

He wanted to apologize, no matter what Janus was going to say. He _needed_ to apologize. Just for himself at the very least, just to lift the overwhelming weight from his chest, just because he missed them. It was selfish, and Roman didn’t _want_ to be selfish anymore, but everything _hurt_ and it _kept_ hurting and Roman couldn’t _take it_ and Janus had been right, he _wasn’t_ the good twin, not really, because how could someone _good_ be this selfish?

And that was just the thing. They couldn’t—and _wouldn’t_ —be.

So it shouldn’t— _didn’t_ matter if Janus refused his apology, if they decided he wasn’t worth forgiving because he _wasn’t_ and they would be _right_ not to forgive him because he wasn’t good, he was _evil_ and— 

Roman took a gasping breath, forcing air past the lump in his throat, slowing the rise and fall of his chest. In, then out.

If Janus refused his apology, Roman would survive. Everything would hurt—Merlin’s _beard_ would it hurt—but he would survive.

Roman lifted his face from where it had been buried in his pillow, sucking in another breath of air. He uncurled his body, sat up, wiped away the tears that were pooling in his eyes. 

Roman breathed in, then out. In, then out. 

He stood up and left his room for the first time in days, bracing himself to apologize to the love of his life—to apologize to the only person he would _ever_ love this deeply.

* * *

Janus had almost been able to have everything they’d ever wanted. 

But then, of course, they’d had to go and mess everything up.

They’d known that comparing Roman to his brother would break him. They’d _known_ that doing so would be crossing the line Roman had stayed firmly on the other side of, the line that divided the forgivable from the unforgivable. Laughing at someone’s name was one thing, but it was another thing entirely to make light of their biggest insecurity, and Janus had— 

They took a slow breath. What they’d done wasn’t the sort of thing you could forgive. And though it would break their heart, Janus could accept that Roman would never want anything to do with them ever again. Not after they had twisted everything so he would take their side, not after the empty flattery designed to throw him off balance, not after the way they had _manipulated_ him. Because that’s what they’d been doing, whether they chose to admit it or not.

It didn’t matter that they regretted it now. It didn’t matter that if they could, Janus would take it all back. It didn’t matter that their flattery that had once been hollow now rang with truth, it didn’t matter that they loved him. None of that would ever change what they’d done to Roman, and none of that could possibly make up for it either. And now— 

Janus had to shut their eyes to stop the tears from falling.

Now Janus was left without the one person they’d ever felt safe enough with to be themself, the one person who had loved them not _despite_ their multitude of flaws, but _with_ them, the one person who had accepted their every failure, their every short-coming, their every impurity—the one person who had taken one look at the mess that they were and loved them just the same

Without Roman, Janus was alone once more. It had been nice, feeling loved and appreciated and happy, but they should have known that it wouldn’t—that it _couldn’t_ —possibly last. The dull ache of loneliness had settled once more somewhere within their chest, so familiar that they were almost able to convince themself that it was better this way.

Even still, though— Even still, they wanted to apologize. Roman deserved something from them, and an apology was the least Janus could offer. It wouldn’t matter if he forgave them, because really, they’d _broken_ him. Janus had heard the way his voice had given out, the way his face had fallen—and that wasn’t something that deserved to be forgiven.

But Roman deserved that apology, so Janus would give it, no matter the outcome. And maybe it would hurt, but they wouldn’t let on that it did. Janus always had been so good at pretending.

Their mind made up, Janus uncurled themself from their spot in the corner of their room, taking a breath to calm their nerves.

Janus stood up, telling themself they were ready to apologize to the love of their life—to apologize to the only person they would _ever_ trust this deeply.

* * *

Roman stood in front of Janus’s door.

Janus stood behind it.

 _This will work,_ they told themselves, squeezing their eyes shut as though that would help their wish come true.

Because that was all it was. A wish. 

Neither had any idea if this would work. Neither had any idea if the other still cared, but both took a step closer to the door anyway. 

Janus reached for the doorknob.

Roman raised his hand to knock.

Both hands dropped. 

Both faces fell. 

_This will never work,_ they realized, closing their eyes as though that would stop the tears from falling.

It didn’t. 

The words echoed through both of their heads and settled in their hearts. Both believed that this wish of theirs was hopeless, both believed that the other wouldn’t ever forgive them. 

But both knew that they had to try.

As one, they raised their hands—Janus’s formed a vice-like grip on the doorknob, Roman’s folded into a fist and rested carefully against the door.

Neither knew what was going to happen, but both knew that they’d loved each other once—that they’d trusted each other once.

They could only hope that would be enough.

**Author's Note:**

> *insert obligatory request for comments please*
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/ratherstareyed) || [tumblr](ratherstarryeyed.tumblr.com) || [tumblr post](https://ratherstarryeyed.tumblr.com/post/619232940245778432/the-stars-are-fading-so-am-i)


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